I haven't posted in a few weeks, I have been juggling so much in my life, and when I have time I have been anesthetizing myself with netflix and chocolate. I am at one of those life moments when there are too many changes, some good, some hard, going on at once. I am at the limit of my processing power. My daughter is trying to figure out where to go to college, and we are trying to figure out how to afford it. A close childhood friend is ill, and I have been working hard to make sure he has a lovely place to enjoy the outdoors. My youngest son has been struggling at school, and keeping him on an even keel is a challenge.
But mostly, I have been dealing with the fact that I had a miscarriage. I certainly can't complain about fertility issues, I already have more than my fair share of kids. And it's no particular shock at my age that this pregnancy didn't work out. As miscarriages go this was uncomplicated, my HCG levels are coming down normally, and I didn't require any medical management. On some level I suspected things were going wrong, I normally have horrible morning sickness and fatigue, but this time I felt great. But I would much rather have been focusing on new life and the adventure of expanding our family rather than on loss and the possibility that I am done having kids altogether. I am grieving this child, and also the possibility of having more children at all, which seems pretty unlikely now.
Mortality and the fragility of life are much on my mind. I am trying to prioritize my life, decide what brings me joy and what I do because I feel I should. Also, I am just trying to get through the days, back to working full time, coaching a student teacher, helping my friends, taking care of my kids. Somehow I don't seem to have any time.
I haven't been posting my groceries, David shopped from my list the last couple of weeks, and I did photograph them and save the receipts, so maybe I will post them soon. I haven't even been making menus, though since we know roughly what to eat each day, it's been going okay. David has been doing a lot of the cooking. We've been eating a lot of Napali take out. I've been watching brainless television shows and resting when I can.
But after I build a deck later today I intend to go shopping and start posting again, it's going to be an interesting week to plan a menu for. And soon we will leave on a last minute college tour. Gardening for my friend has made me anxious to get out in my own garden. And yesterday was the CSA fair at the Seward Co-op, and I am excited to blog my CSA boxes when they start coming. It hasn't been easy the last few weeks, but I seem to be handling it all about as well as one can. Just doing what comes next.